Shmutz by Felicia Berliner

Author:Felicia Berliner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2022-07-19T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

That was the last summer Raizl bunked with Esty. The next year, Esty went to a seminary, and then she got married. Now she lives in Monsey with her husband. Raizl doesn’t think about Esty, only once in a while, when Mami shares family news, a happy announcement each time Esty has a baby. Three, so far.

* * *

Spark is back with her soda. Raizl imagines Sam touching Spark’s tittes the way she had touched Esty’s, but it wouldn’t be an accident, and neither one of them would pretend it hadn’t happened. Sam whispers something, a soft breath with words just inches from Spark’s face; it’s almost more private than a kiss and it’s right in the middle of the food court, with dozens of people talking and plastic trays crashing on tabletops. Raizl stares at Sam’s lips. Raizl’s never spoken to anyone close like that, except for praying, when she davens with intention and whispers for Hashem alone to hear. Who is like You? She wants Hashem to feel what’s in her heart, and she wishes Hashem could answer her. But Hashem doesn’t reply.

Watching Sam and Spark hold each other and whisper is like watching porn. Raizl might as well be someplace far away, in another room or another building entirely, watching them through a screen, because they are in their own world; unlike the people in porn, they’ve forgotten she’s there.

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